7 lessons to help you find a fulfilling long-term relationship

“You yourself deserve your love and affection, like anyone in the entire universe.” ~ Buddha

“You are not in love with me, you are in love with the idea of ​​being in love.”


Kate (not her real name) and I met online before the internet dating site (not to mention the app) existed and our relationship was a long-distance relationship.

I was 24 and she was 23.

At first I was deeply connected with my favorite musicians, but soon I realized that I was sharing all sorts of personal things with each other. First I was AOL Instant Messenger, then I spent countless hours on the phone.

When I finally met in person a few months later, I remember being surprised and confused when I heard a familiar voice coming out of a face I had never seen before (storing a few photos). It was jarring.

Nevertheless, we have embarked on a “real” relationship physically.

However, our incompatibilities appeared almost immediately and became more and more apparent each time one of us visited the other. Still, how can we deny the substantive emotional intimacy we have established?

Her declaration to me, “You don’t love me, you love the idea that you love me,” seemed harsh and unfair. Who did she tell me how I felt or didn’t feel?

Still, it had a circle of truth.

Undoubtedly, I projected to her a deep admiration for love and my ideal vision to make it happen. It wasn’t the first time I did that, nor was it the last time.

The relationship with Kate, as it was, collapsed and burned fairly quickly and intensely. It was a painful dissolution, even though it turned out that we were not right for each other. Disillusionment can be painful!

As I matured by slowly learning how to love myself more and understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship, I will endure more heartaches in my dating and relationship life over the next few years.

Eventually, at the age of 33, I met a woman who would marry until today, seven years later. It turns out to be wonderfully compatible, loving, healthy, mutually supportive, and capable of lasting relationships. At the time of writing this article, we have been happy for 16 years (the last nine as spouses).

In my observation, there are “no rules” when it comes to relationships. That is, almost everything can occur within the dynamics of two humans who are related to each other.

Certainly, there is no guarantee.

When, how, and why we connect with others in our way, how long our relationship (of all kinds) will last, and how they will change. Needless to say, many factors are involved.

Relationships carry inherent risks and vulnerabilities because we cannot control the emotions and choices of others, nor what happens to our loved ones. That is the admission fee.

Despite all of the above, if this is what you are looking for, this is the 7 important things I have learned in my teaching experience and finding a satisfying relationship with my partner May help increase opportunities to maintain:

1. Love and accept yourself.

It is of utmost importance to love and accept yourself, that is, to accept the flaws and flaws as they are. It is also the best way to love and prepare to accept others who bring their shortcomings and flaws.

There is always room for growth and it is commendable to strive to improve ourselves, but we are always on the move. And that’s ok!

If we wait until we are “perfect” before we are willing to love and accept ourselves, we will never do so.

It’s natural to be dissatisfied with yourself from time to time, but nevertheless, by loving yourself, recognizing and thanking for the goodness that lies deep within you, and doing everything you and others can do, your best friend. You can choose to be.

You don’t have to be perfect to deserve a loving relationship. Be the best “you” you can and love yourself forever, not in a narcissistic sense, but in a narcissistic sense.

2. Find a partner that is “compatible neurosis”.

You will be most friends with what I call “compatible neurosis”.This does not necessarily mean someone who is neurotic just like you (this may be a disaster!), But someone who is neurotic. compatibility You and.

In other words, things about those that might upset others, you somehow feel adorable, and vice versa. You are more or less willing to live together because you appreciate each other’s habits and they are part of the whole person you cherish and worship.

3. Mutual respect is essential.

This is easy, but it needs to be mentioned. Without this, there is no healthy relationship. You must not only have deep respect and admiration for each other, but also consistently show this through your actions.

If you feel despised, it is your responsibility to communicate this to your partner calmly and clearly as soon as possible. Own your emotions and express them as such, passively or otherwise, without attacking others. In other words, it’s my feelings.

If your partner feels despised, it is their responsibility to tell you this as well, and it is up to you to do your best to fix it. You want to bite the potential grudge of the buds.

Don’t assume that others know your feelings. It is important to be able to speak out your feelings and ask what you want or need.

As far as I am concerned, putting others, especially in front of them, is a serious breach of respect and must be absolutely avoided...

In my experience, with mutual respect, there are natural give-and-takes that tend to occur with little effort.

4. Mutual benefit is indisputable.

Again, it goes without saying that you both want the same thing in a relationship and need to be interested in this kind of relationship. Especially to each other..

The object you are interested in may appear to have all the qualities you desire for your partner. They are attractive, kind, wonderful, and may share similar interests and values ​​as you.But if they aren’t interested in you or aren’t available for the relationship you’re looking for, all other qualities will be rendered Irrelevant.. It may be painful, but it’s 100% true.

Go ahead and find someone else teeth People who are interested teeth Someone who is available and really grateful to you. Don’t compromise on anything less than that. A single person is far better than a relationship that lacks this important element.

Mutual benefit is indisputable, which means it is absolutely necessary.It also means that it can’t be done Negotiated Exists; either there or not.

5. Learn from previous relationships.

Previous relationships are some of your best teachers.

They help clarify what you do and don’t want for your long-term partner. They also give you exercises related to other humans. And it is often in the context of our relationships that we develop important aspects of our personality and grow as human beings.

In this sense, all relationships can be considered informative.

Look at past relationships as part of your journey to find the fulfilling relationships you are looking for now.

Keep in mind that we tend to have much greater appreciation for things that don’t come easily, so if you’re struggling in this area, the potential waiting for you The reward may be much higher than that.

6. Take responsibility for your happiness.

Understand that you, and only you, are responsible for your own well-being.

Do what you like and make sense, whether you are a partner or not. Yes, having a great relationship is one of the greatest joys and blessings of life. But no one else can make you happy and should not be held responsible. That is your job.

Foster great friendships. (And be aware that many of the same things that have already been said apply to these.)

To promote your own well-being, you must prioritize self-care, including setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Self-care is inextricably linked to self-esteem and self-love, and is much more likely to be an attractive and attractive partner not only for yourself, but for someone else.

7. Select Search over Expectations.

Please put yourself there. Meet people (you need this if you want to eventually find a partner). Will appear. Play your role. Please make a little effort. And keep your expectations as low as possible.

Every connection you make is an opportunity to know who, but in the end there is no way to know where such a connection will lead.

When things go wrong with someone you want, the healthiest thing is to presume it’s the best.You don’t know what potential misery you have escaped No It will be a long-term relationship with this person!

In short, the best attitude when looking for a partner is one of the quests that goes beyond expectations.

This is not as easy as it sounds. After all, we are humans. However, the more you can get closer to interacting with others as an exploration (This person looks interesting, but is there a possibility that he will be connected?And the more you can let go of the expectations of what a given connection is worth, the better you will be.

Try to pay attention to other aspects of your life, including giving yourself other things you are looking forward to.

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All these seven lessons were not easy for me to understand. Some need to be learned repeatedly, while others present myself for me to learn new or in a new context. But I think they are essential for good relationships with myself, my partners, and generally others.

“Kate” was part of my journey to finally find the lasting and loving long-term relationship I longed for.

She helped me achieve this by being one of my road teachers. I hope I finally played the same “facilitator” role for her.

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