Dear estranged adult,
Remember, you might have felt that way back then, and now you may feel that way, but it wasn’t about you.
They were projecting their feelings about themselves to you when your parents repeatedly said that it wasn’t enough for you and that you would never do anything. I believe they are everything.
Maybe these feelings were inherited from their parents, or your parents regret their life when they transfused you, but these reasons are so important. Is not. It’s not as important as the fact that what you said and what you did was never your fault. It wasn’t about you.
You were always good enough. You were always going to be something. And it may have threatened them. No one is born who is unloved or unloved.
Over the years, I’ve learned that people’s words, actions, and beliefs have little to do with me, but about myself.
When people interact with others, they project what they think, what they believe in, and how they feel to others. In fact, we all do this, even you and me. But what sets us apart is the fact that we can think about how our actions and words affect others. We can see the world from our own point of view and also understand how others see it.
If you grew up in an environment like me, you were taught the false belief that how others see things and how others see you is more important than how they see yourself. You were probably taught to set aside your thoughts and feelings and instead draw in your parents’ thoughts and feelings.
In some cases, they may have mistaken their thoughts and feelings for their own. You may have heard their voice many times in your head, or you may have noticed that you are saying their words.
Over time, if you are like me, you begin to experience dissonance with what your parents said to you, and you begin to connect with your own thoughts, thoughts, and emotions. It was.
In some cases, you may have questioned your thoughts and tried to suppress them. In other cases, you may have found yourself in a seesaw between your thoughts and your paradigm on the other side. But in any case, you found your truth, and even if it caused you pain, you found your voice.
When you found your voice, you found yourself and began to tell your truth. You were told many times when you started telling the truth. “But they are your parents and they love you. You can’t cut them out and you can’t let them go. They’re old, they love you I need it. ”
You know the truth in your heart, but you have been taught to listen and believe in others, so you question yourself and try many times to reconcile. I did. Every time I tried to fix a broken relationship, your heart hurt until I realized I couldn’t accept it anymore. You had to listen to your voice, otherwise you would break.
You probably wrestled with guilt and now you may feel guilty. If you’re suffering from the guilt of not being able to contact your parents, let me ask you a few questions.
How do you feel after interacting with your parents in some way? Be honest with yourself.
Do your parents respect your boundaries?
Is the relationship a healthy interrelationship?
Do you think you are yourself and can tell your truth without judgment?
Do you feel the respect, love and acceptance of your parents?
If the answers to these questions are painful, know in your mind that you have made the right choice for you. You have made the best choice for your health and well-being.
Now here is an adult child who is estranged. You are navigating the world regardless of your family. You may be stronger, and in some cases happier, healthier, and more confident than ever before.
You face childhood trauma every day and have guided you to this choice with clarity, determination, and strength to overcome it.
You may have done something you didn’t know you could do. You may have built your own supportive family and / or helped others in the way you need help. You may take small steps every day to live as your best self. Take some time to celebrate it!
You have done something that no one needs to do. You have made one of the most painful choices you have ever made. And you have been misunderstood by many, but you are still strong. You remain true to yourself and your story!
Maybe you are anxious for people to understand your story and verify your living experience. You may crave to say that your parents feel sorry for the pain they caused you. I know these things because I felt and longed for them, but the truth is that you don’t need them.
You may be wondering why. Why do my parents love me in the way I need to be loved throughout my life, saying they don’t understand the pain they caused me and they’re sorry?
I wish I had an answer that would meet these questions and somehow get rid of that pain. The best answer I can come up with for you and me is that some people aren’t ready to accept that they are the villains of your story, and they are never maybe. They do not reflect on what you ask, but desperately blame you as a kind and affectionate parent to protect their story.
Parents often do not want to experience cognitive dissonance or wondering who they believe to be as parents and as people. This may be the reason why you don’t get the validation you deserve. The truth is that you don’t need that apology that you may never get, and begging or begging them to confirm your truth can hurt you.
Some people will never understand you. Some people hurt you in more ways than you can imagine, and they leave as if it were all your fault, or as if nothing had happened. This is about them. It’s not about you. You know your story and are ready to own it. You live it despite adversity. I’m proud of that.
Don’t focus on those who don’t understand. Don’t try to persuade them to see it your way. If you give up those fruitless efforts, you will be emotionally better. Sometimes people can only understand what they have lived.
If your friends and large family grow up with supportive parents, they may not even be able to imagine what you thought, and that’s okay. Instead, try to be surrounded by people who do their best to understand and validate your own living experience. Write or record a note about your experience, and if you start to question yourself, look back and self-verify. This helped me when I asked myself, and I still do this today. I know this is not easy.
You deserve it, so take the time to celebrate you. You abandoned the story your parents tried to write for you and you started writing your own. You are moving away from abuse and adversity in a society where you are a problem and continue to maintain your strength every day.
Tell your story, live your truth, and never be ashamed of the painful choices you had to make. Abuse and your treatment were never about you, but about them. You have virtues, insights, and values. You are adorable, and you deserve to be celebrated and loved for those who are and who you are becoming. you are not alone.