“When you do things from your soul, you feel the river moving in you, joy.” ~Rumi
Standing at the front door of the rehab facility, I felt completely empty, except for the overwhelming weight of anxiety and shame. At that moment, I wondered what ordinary people are doing today. How did they deal with it? And why couldn’t I hack my life and things were swirling so far?
It’s hard to admit that you have a problem. It seems ridiculous to be honest with yourself when you have paralyzed everything for a long time. In the end, sharing it with the people around you can be daunting for so many reasons, but you often have to actually abandon the most reliable coping mechanism. ..
At the front door, I felt a strange middle ground. I knew I had to forget the past, but the future was unimaginable. I didn’t want the future. There is no agenda. I was just desperate.
What led me here was the brutal struggle with alcohol, which was consuming my entire life. For years I have tried to live up to the expectations of others and maintain the perfect illusion to feel loved and accepted. I was numb when faced with unpleasant feelings and situations because I had never learned to feel my feelings or deal with difficult situations in a healthy way. However, this came at a huge price.
My work was, like my closest relationship, unbalanced. And I couldn’t remember how it felt to experience joy because I couldn’t selectively paralyze my emotions. When you paralyze one, you paralyze everything.
Another thing that led me to this threshold was a very quiet, almost inaudible voice. There was a message that I needed to “go home” and “I had to do it myself”. At the time, I didn’t understand this message, but there was some strange comfort and something that drew enough attention to take me here.
What impressed me most when I found the legs of the sea was that I could finally be honest with this setting. I could say loudly that there was a real problem with alcohol, that my life was in turmoil, that I was scared, and that I felt hopeless. Seen and understood is probably the best gift that anyone can receive.
The facility was full of character casts, but I wasn’t in a position to judge. I have just seen the real beauty of the lives of those who own their lives and are trying to make truly meaningful changes. This was the nakedness of mankind. It was full of trauma, pain, humor, knowledge, and compassion.
We had a tight schedule with regular urinalysis, limited exposure to the outside world, and no access to sharp objects. I felt very physically trapped, but my mind and mind had the freedom they didn’t have for a long time. It’s strange how that happens.
I was starting to feel things. I felt a lot of anger, shame, resentment, and fear. I have learned that I am angry with many things, including compromising myself to please others. I was deeply embarrassed, embarrassed, and sad that my life had ever gone out of control. I was also afraid because I couldn’t start imagining my future.
However, I also began to feel freedom and hope and laughed seriously. (The addicts do really ridiculous things!) I started to realize that emotions were great, and I had managed them only by drowning them.
When I felt these great unpleasant feelings, I began to learn that I could move them through me. And when I make room for junk, I also make room for joy, bliss, and a lot of gratitude.
I didn’t expect to say that, but my recovery was inherited and was my best teacher. After removing the alcohol, I was able to go deep inside myself. I was able to reconcile with her and even start to love her.
Self-love came slowly. I felt it was foreign to me. But the outlook for it had a modest quality to it. It was fascinating and hopeful. I could see myself in the mirror and see past the bulge and sadness in some of me that I knew more deeply. I felt like I was able to regain my lively part. I started asking myself the following questions: what do I like about myself? What activities and people will bring me joy? How do I want to appear in my life?
I began to realize that I was devoting so much energy to avoiding my life, paralyzing, and desperately trying to hide my addiction. I wondered what I could do if I used that energy to create a life that I actually enjoyed. Also, if I look back on my life to all of these worries, I felt deep happiness and wanted to create a life that brings deep joy.
I started making the smallest daily choices to be on my side. I started taking care of myself. The body I devastated began to treat it compassionately by nourishing it, hydrating it, moving it, and resting it. I realized that it was wise, and now I can trust it as well as listen to it.
I sought the help of doctors, therapists, energy healers, spiritual leaders, and anyone who could help me find everything I wanted to paralyze. To a future full of possibilities. I decided to be by my side, love myself a little more, and appear as a messy real self. It was pleasant, free and often entertaining.
Going to rehab was one of the best / worst things I’ve ever had to do. It felt like the last destination, so it was the worst. It was awesome because it absolutely saved me and was the gateway to a future that I couldn’t imagine remotely. Recovery from addiction was a great gift.
If you find it bad to go rehab, it’s not so good to stay calm in the real world. I remember many times why I wanted to paralyze this place. We live in a fierce world that thrives on paralysis. Being attentive, conscious, and choosing to be truly happy is not for the weak.
The difference now is that I am in charge of my choice. The voice in my head is very similar to that whisper — calm, encouraging, and compassionate. I’m in the driver’s seat, and the simple and careful choices I make at every moment remind me of the profound and transformative impact over time. How I care for myself, how I appear in the world, and all of my intentional actions can make a huge difference.
When I said “no” to alcohol, I noticed that I was saying “yes”. I said “yes” to my health and vitality. I said “yes” to my mental health, my joy, and my peace of mind. I also said “yes” to the people I loved and the kind of life I wanted to make. I have now lived from an awe-inspiring place for this human experience. Now I wanted to celebrate, taste and enjoy it.
We all have raw materials in our lives, and it’s important to choose what we do with it. We can afflict the past, or we can meet it, acknowledge it, and choose to create another future. We can bring this new way of life to life.
Today, my happiness is my number one priority. I’m trying to bring joy to my moment. For me, this means easy things like listening to the music I enjoy, going out, wearing my favorite colors, and so on. It also means bringing the joy of my mind, body and spirit. These include yoga, meditation, a diary, a good night’s sleep, and drinking plenty of water. There is no doubt that you will be surrounded by good people. I believe joy is a choice, and we need to open our hearts and hearts to accept it.
Recovery is possible and joy is possible.