“If we can share our story with people who react with empathy and understanding, shame will not survive.”Brené Brown
The embarrassment you feel when you realize that you really don’t have what you need to succeed. The shame of knowing that you’ve been training for years to do one thing and then you’ve quickly bailed out at the finish line. Fear of what to say to people when they ask you what they are doing.
Of course, you’re too embarrassed to admit that you have these feelings, so you don’t tell anyone your feelings and you fill them all up.
I have experienced all of them, so I am familiar with all of these feelings. It took me years to finally face and deal with what I actually felt. As the coach once told me, “buried emotions never die.”
I always wanted to be an art. I loved dancing and drama and wanted to be an actor. I felt so strong that I hadn’t even considered another career.
I started a dance class at the young age of 6 and attended a performing arts school at the age of 11. That’s how my training started.
After school, I went to a reputable university, where I trained for another three years. At the age of 16, I was told to lose weight and put on my heels. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but this wasn’t the healthiest thing to tell a teenager.
Three years after I was exhausted, I graduated. All training, effort and sacrifice came to this moment. I was going to hire an agent, start working in theater, and move on to television and film.
But that didn’t happen.
Instead of devoting myself to my career, I froze. The last semester of college crushed me.
The last semester all led to our last show. The show was held in various parts of the city for several weeks and was intended to be an opportunity for performers to showcase our talents. It was intended to invite agents in the hope that everyone would be signed.
But I didn’t invite anyone. I was very embarrassed about my performance. I felt like I was cast in the wrong role, no matter how hard I tried, it didn’t work, and no one seemed to care.
I remember wanting to fall down the stairs of a subway station so I didn’t have to break my leg and play. I was very humiliating.
Instead of leaving college with confidence and excitement, I left with confidence at the bottom of the rock.
I didn’t do anything in my training. All those years, all those dreams, all those aspirations, but when the push came to rush, I did nothing with it.
For years, I told myself that I broke me because the last semester was so hard, and that’s why I never continued after graduating from college. I blamed everyone else.
It took me years to admit that it was my decision to actually quit. It took me more time to figure out why. I realized I was scared.
In fact, I was resentful that I wasn’t as talented as I thought. If you put yourself there and try to make a career with it and fail, there is evidence that I wasn’t talented.
If I blame everyone else and quit before starting, in my head I’ve always been amazing and could have always had a career in the arts.
However, emotions are so complex that it took a long time to dig deep enough to find this truth.
Thus, I realized that I was 18 years old and had no formal education. I’ve only wanted to do acting, so what about now? I’m completely lost.
It just froze. I didn’t get the agent. I didn’t go to the audition. I just quit.
I spent my whole life towards this moment and fell on the last hurdle. It really surprised me. I felt like a complete failure and was humiliated.
I was so embarrassed and embarrassed that I didn’t keep in touch with anyone at the university except my two friends.
I remember walking down Oxford High Street and meeting two of my former classmates. Fearing that they might ask what I was doing, I jumped into the store to hide from them.
All I could think of was “what would I say to them?” They were probably off at the West End Show, and what was I doing? I was a failure. Of course, this was before social media, so no one knew what I was doing or not doing.
Eventually, I decided to take some time to go to Thailand. I ended up spending a year there. I became a diving instructor and met a man who would be my husband.
When I got home, I got a hiring job and my career got stronger and stronger. I thought I had moved on and was satisfied with my life.
Still, I always panic when I meet someone asking what I did in my education or school. “What do I tell them? How can I explain that I trained but never turned it into a career?” They know my dirty secrets Well, I was an untalented failure.
Tell a lie about why you decided to change jobs after being educated.
I still couldn’t understand why I care so much about this. Why did I feel I needed to lie? Life was great, but I felt that something was missing deep inside. I sometimes felt that there was a black mass in the hole in my stomach.
I had a session with my coach about this feeling, and what happened? Art, love for dance, failed career, shame, embarrassment. I remember tears. I was so angry that I still couldn’t move forward after 20 years.
This was still a big deal in my life because I was so angry. That it was still with me. I just wanted it to disappear. It was pitiful that it still dominates me so much. What was wrong with me? “This is ridiculous, why can’t I let it go?” I continued to say.
But do you remember what I said before? Buried emotions never die. They never leave you.They are just worried
I was so confused by all that I couldn’t understand why it was still catching me. Why I felt so embarrassed and full of embarrassment. My coach helped me unpack it all.
The lies I told myself became part of me. I had to work hard to break it all apart to find the truth.
After many years, I was finally able to see what happened. I was just a scary teenager. I was so scared of failure and rejection that I found a way to protect myself by lying and quitting.
I had to settle with this and accept responsibility. I didn’t like this version of myself, so I found it difficult to do this. It was much easier to blame everyone else than to see it as my fear to stop me.
I had to forgive myself.
I stopped lying and was afraid of failure when I graduated, so I quit before I failed. I realized that I still have a love for art and need to find an exit in my life.
It was a daunting task and required many sessions to dig deeper into the truth, but once done, I was finally able to talk about art and the past without embarrassment or embarrassment. I was finally able to move on.
I did a lot of work to reconnect with teenage Alice. Write to her, forgive her, and show her compassion. I have also done a lot of work in recognizing what I have achieved and who I am.
I know I’m not the only one in what I feel and experience. I wish I had started this healing process long ago. Because I know that as much work as I have done has more work to do.
Anyone who has experienced what I have done know that you are not alone and it is not stupid to feel your way. You can also change it.
I learned a lot in the process.
You can’t just ignore what you’re feeling.
At that time, I was very confused about what I felt. Instead of trying to figure out what’s going on, I just filled it all up.
In the end, I had to look at my shame and embarrassment and understand what they were saying to me about myself. What was the message?
There is always a message behind your feelings and emotions. You need to be brave enough to hear them. It turns out that journaling really helps with this.
If, like me, you’ve already spent years ignoring what you felt, it also means that you’re likely spending years lying to yourself. To do. What you feel is complex and it takes time to get over it. Don’t expect it to change overnight.
What I have to solve still happens. Humans are very complex and it takes time to break through all our barriers.
You are not alone, so share what you are feeling.
I remember telling my old manager about my feelings. He had the same background as me and said, “Alice, I felt exactly the same.” He told me he had moved the city just to escape from those he knew.
Just hearing that made me realize that I was insane. I was surprised to hear him understand.
We always hear it, but sharing what you are experiencing really helps. So share your story.
Stop punishing yourself and have fun.
Anyone who reads this and is involved will probably have what you love in the box. Take it out of the box and enjoy it again. You don’t have to keep punishing yourself.
I haven’t allowed you to dance for years. It hurts too much. But my body was screaming for it. I realized I wasn’t a career, but that didn’t mean I had to be completely separated from my life. I could still enjoy it.
It was a long journey for me. When I quit 20 years ago, I was flooded with feelings and emotions and didn’t know what to do, so I pushed him away and lied. It took me a long time to get back all the stories I told myself.
You don’t have to be embarrassed or embarrassed, but I know it’s okay to feel this way. Don’t hide from these feelings. Understand them, accept them, and reconcile with them. Then you can move on.