“As a traumatized child, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. In fact, we never dreamed that we would grow up.” Alice Little
Like most people, I was running away from my pain.
I did it in many different creative ways.
I starved myself and focused only on what I could and couldn’t eat based on calories.
I made a bad choice for myself and then struggled with the results, but didn’t realize I didn’t make any choices. It all seemed unlucky. I’m really out of luck.
Or, I stay in an unhealthy relationship of all kinds and endure the stress that was causing it. Again, I didn’t know what I was contributing to, how I was still in pain, but I was actually getting more pain.
These are just a few of the many ways I’ve escaped from pain. Real pain. What is below it. The person who started it all. Scratches on the core.
Wounds of worthless and unloved.
Wounds caused by my childhood.
And my parents’ childhood.
And the childhood of their parents.
But this is not the part of how everything started and who is responsible.
No. This means I want to share how I got rid of the pain.
Finding a way to do that changed my life in a way I didn’t think it was impossible.
No matter what happens in the past, life will be beautiful, so I would like you to experience it. Don’t miss this opportunity. Especially because I know it’s possible for you too.
I am a psychotherapist and have been around for nearly 10 years. I also train and supervise other psychotherapists, so I need to know what I’m talking about.
But let me fill in this: there are many professionals who do not “work” on their own. I know, I met them.
And I met hundreds of unqualified people, who did their jobs themselves. I know, I felt them.
In the shortest possible summary, doing the job is all about facing your pain. It’s when you stop, or when you’re forced to stop, it’s often-and you end up running away from it.
It’s time you finally give up.
Sounds like a bad thing. But that’s not the case.
To heal, you need to see the pain.
I think we all see, feel, and know it, but it’s not.
We know what it feels like to escape from it, and the pain and stress it causes. Constant anxiety, pressure, shortness of breath, numbness. That’s what we know.
But it’s not pain, it’s not the pain of a core wound. These are symptoms of not treating or even seeing the wound and not healing it.
It is afraid that we will prevent healing.
It is not the healing process itself that scares us. That is the meaning of healing that we imagine. And that’s usually not what we imagine!
Healing simply means facing pain.
I’m going to make it more practical:
Do you remember when you were very small, maybe three or five, or maybe a little older?
Do you remember how you felt it was misunderstood in your body? How can I get something when I want it? How are you punished for what you didn’t do? How can I get yelled at for no reason just because someone else was stressed and couldn’t control myself?
Do you remember how it felt?
That is the origin. All these little incidents when we were too young to understand what was happening made us mean something negative about ourselves.
What was reflected to us from the world by the people we loved most was that we had something wrong, that we were somehow flawed, wrong, or bad. ..
Our brain was too young to look at it differently and couldn’t protect ourselves from injustice and punishment, so we took it all in.
And it hurts to believe something scary about yourself that isn’t true. It hurts to believe that you are not good enough. It hurts to believe that you are not loved.
We no longer feel safe because it also scares us.
It’s safe to be yourself. It’s safe to love. It’s okay to be loved.
We begin to hide from ourselves and our pain. We begin to hide our truth and begin to suppress the great human beings we are in.
Because at those moments, at the moment of misunderstanding, we receive the wrong message. It is not worth being heard, trusted, embraced or loved by us.
We are ignored, threatened, punished and pushed away.
And we start it ourselves.
We want or need something-just as it was inconvenient for parents who shouted at us and disabled what we wanted or needed. -And we deny or minimize it.
We say “enough” and want to set a boundary with someone. I was told I don’t know what’s good for us, just as we wanted when we were little, but we don’t.
We want to choose what we like and get excited about, just as we tried when we were young, but we were told to be stupid, childish, or stupid, but instead boring. Choose a reasonable choice.
We continue to hurt.
I will not stop asking myself if that is really what we should do.
We try to avoid re-experiencing pain from childhood by treating ourselves in exactly the same way as the treatments of the time.
We are usually unaware that we are continuing the unconscious pattern.
The most obvious example I can give you from my life is that I didn’t grow up surrounded by emotionally available adults. So obviously I wasn’t one either. I wasn’t emotionally available to myself, and I didn’t choose an emotionally available partner in my relationship.
As a result, I was able to recall my childhood experiences over and over again without understanding why I was so depressed, unloved, and continuing to feel worthless.
I was locked in my feelings and continued to hurt by choosing a partner who, like my parents, would be ashamed, rejected, or ignored.
But I broke that cycle.
I broke it when I faced my pain.
When I felt something, whatever it was, I broke it when I was staying inside myself.
I stayed disappointed when I was disappointed that I didn’t get the grades I wanted on an important college assignment.
I didn’t talk about it myself. I didn’t talk to myself or tell myself that I was a waste of space. I didn’t have mercy on myself or blame the teacher. I wasn’t paralyzed by glancing at Netflix or eating chocolate.
No, I remained disappointed.
He seemed to be sitting across from his disappointed 3-year-old, and was with her.
I didn’t yell at her, ridicule her, disable her, leave her, or misunderstand her.
I was with her. I saw her disappointment. I saw her pain. I knew she meant that and I was with her.
I didn’t push her away. I couldn’t get rid of her anguish.
And what do you think happened?
It started talking to me! And that makes sense!
It wasn’t scary, weird, awkward, or crazy! That makes perfect sense.
And I had to hear it, understand it, and make it a parent.
Just like I raise a child.
“Of course you feel disappointed. You did so much work on this, and you didn’t get the results you wanted. Okay. I say you. I’m here to hear. I want to understand you. “
Do you know what it does? It calms you down. very.
It calms you down. I was relieved!
Finally, someone wants to hear! Finally, no one turns away from me, as is the greatest threat I have ever encountered. Finally, someone looks at me with understanding and compassion.
This is what I do with all my feelings.
If you have jealousy, I’m there. I’m not ashamed or judge it. I’m just here, listening, calming, understanding, and acting on it when I feel it’s necessary.
So I look at pain and emotions. I understand what it is and try to see if it has what I need, more practical.
Does my disappointment need to seek feedback from my instructor to improve my work for the next assessment?
Does my jealousy need to remind me how valuable and adorable I am? Or do I have to choose a beautiful one to wear because I don’t really care about how it looks these days? Or does he need to talk to my partner because he is much more friendly with other women than I am?
Often, pain tries to warn us to do what we have to do for ourselves.
By not facing pain and not paying attention to it, we cannot know what it needs to do to us-and it is always good for us.
And we go without what we want or need, and the pain is heard, embraced, soothed, and cared for by their parents, trying to express themselves. It just grows and grows like a noisy toddler.
It’s time to stop doing it to ourselves.
I did it many years ago and I feel like another person. My way of life is different. I feel different. I no longer go without what I want and need.
It can’t happen as long as you run out of all your energy to escape the pain.
Pain is your invitation to do a healing job. It encourages you to stay and listen and know what is really happening under all the distractions and symptoms.
What are the feelings you need to feel?
What is the pain you need to witness and understand?
And what do you need to do for it so that the wound in the core can finally heal?
You have the power to heal it. You are the only one who needs to heal it. But you need to stay there, learn to be there, and learn to be there for yourself.
Unlike others, you don’t leave. You don’t say no to yourself. You should go against yourself and not mistake yourself.
You stay. You feel it. You give it what you need.
And that’s when it heals.