“Nevertheless, the sun has never said to Earth,” You owe me. ” See what happens with such love. Illuminates the sky. ~ Rumi
I grew up believing that love was conditional. My grandmother was as very controllable as I loved her, and she treated me cold unless I met her high standards of conduct and paid her some attention. Gave me.
Whenever she disapproves of my actions, she tells me, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” She could switch it on and off, as if she had a switch, which stopped and started the flow of her heartfelt love.
She gave me the world when I was in her grace.
After my grandfather died, I paid a lot of support and attention to my grandfather. As such, she became very affectionate and generous to me. He helped me with my credit card payments, gave her precious jewelry as a gift, and praised my achievements. It was amazing to be loved by her. But this kind of conditional love is not sustainable.
Eventually I lost her favor and the switch was turned off again. The flow of love has stopped. This pattern continued until she died a few years ago.
I don’t blame her or claim to be a victim because she learned this behavior from her mother and understands that it has been passed down for generations. Even more devastating, she grew up in Nazi Germany. There she was charged with being Jewish. These are deep, multi-generational wounds that need healing.
As an adult, I’m well aware to break this inherited cycle. I am aware of how I have repeated this pattern in my relationship.
I am very nurturing and giving others. This is my beloved language and it feels good to give. But when relationships end or the flow of love ceases, I feel the old emotional wounds reappear.
When the love I am trying to give is rejected, this causes a lot of pain and pain to me and casts doubt on my own value. I, like my grandmother, make it something meaningful about myself. That I’m not enough, worthwhile, or adorable.
I also refrained from loving others when I felt vulnerable or hurt. We reflect each other on our part of refusal and our part of needing healing.
I recognize that the only way to break through my unhealthy relationships patterns is to heal my emotional wounds and foster a love for myself.
How can you develop self-esteem and change patterns of relationships?
1. Become an observer.
The first step in breaking down the barriers to self-love is to recognize our ideas. By observing our thoughts, we can identify our own destructive patterns and change our thoughts. As the Buddha said, “We are the result of what we think. The heart is everything. What do you think we will be?” Our thoughts became our words, Our words become our actions, and our actions become our lives.
So we often stand in our own way. By living in our own personal drama. Through our stories and conditioned thought patterns. By not being able to see things in real life. Many of these barriers exist in our own minds.
To be more aware of our thoughts, we simply need to cut through the space to stand still and see them. Meditation and mindfulness are powerful tools for raising awareness.
If you want to take it one step further, you can write down the flow of thought, and from this space you can see the often ridiculous nonsense that our minds create. The more space we have from our thoughts, the more peace we can find in ourselves and the more we can choose where to direct our energy.
2. Find peace in your loneliness.
I think being alone is very incompatible. I have this irrational need to constantly communicate with others, but at the same time, when I feel choked or overwhelmed, I need to step back and step inside. there is.
Then, when I’m alone, often valuable negative thoughts and questions resurface. My mind recreates all the ways I have failed in relationships and life. When I put energy into these thoughts, I feel sad, angry, and hurt. It’s a toxic dance with my own thoughts and feelings.
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is where we feel isolated and separated from others and ourselves. Being alone is comfortable enough to sit still in front of ourselves. Calm the mind and simply be with our breath.
When we feel at ease in being alone, we can move from a place of self-love, not a place of need or anxiety. The more comfortable we are on our own, the easier our relationship will be. It is based on an open flow of mutual love and acceptance.
3. Look at the love around you.
I often ask myself why I am so worried about the few people who treat me unfriendly when love is around and inside me.
There are many rejected cases in my life and I have lived in these relationships for weeks. Meanwhile, my best friends, puppies and strangers on the street are showing love for me.
When we focus on what we lack, it closes us to the flow of abundance that is always available-the love shown in nature, the love poured from other relationships in our lives. , The love that exists in our own hearts.
When we shift our focus from what we lack and see what is in front of us, we raise the level of consciousness and attract things like situations, relationships and experiences.
4. Practice presence, trust, and surrender.
The more we exist, the less we live in our hearts and the more we move with the flow of life.
We can always choose a higher acceptance path. When we realize that we are in a situation or relationship that is not in our best interests, we can choose not to take things personally or to make it something meaningful about ourselves. I will. We can have enough self-esteem to move away from unhealthy relationships and situations.
Let go of trust and allow the beauty of life to flow through us. If we can trust our way to trust our breathing, every time we exhale, a fresh inhalation will come to fill us again, and it will probably be easier to let go.
For me, releasing attachment is a regular habit. Therefore, as a daily reminder, I tattooed the word “surrender” on my ankle in Sanskrit.
One of my favorite books, Acquisition of love, The story of the magical kitchen by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.
The story goes on: Imagine you have a magical kitchen. You can eat a lot of rich and wonderful food, so share it generously with everyone. Your kitchen is full of nutrition, so everyone eats at your home.
Then one day someone comes to your door and offers you a pizza for the rest of your life. In return, all you have to do is give them control over you. what would you do? You will laugh and say: “I don’t need your pizza! I have a magical kitchen, but enjoy the food I have to serve!”
Imagine you are hungry now and your kitchen is empty. You haven’t eaten anything substantial for days. Now someone will come to your house and serve you pizza. And you are very hungry to accept it, allowing them to control your life.
All our hearts are like a magical kitchen, but we forget or be separated from the abundant love in our hearts. We are hungry for love and accept unhealthy relationships and situations for us. All the while, there is an eternal stream of love in our hearts that seeks nothing. We are full of abundance, and when we rediscover this universal truth, we will never be hungry again.
The most important relationship in our lives is our relationship with ourselves. If you want to attract people and situations that are healthy and based on mutual love and respect, you must heal emotional wounds, change patterns, and unconditionally love all parts of yourself. Only then can true love flow into our lives and relationships.