“You yourself deserve your love and affection, like anyone in the entire universe.” ~ Buddha
This unprecedented time has given us the opportunity to pause, ponder and focus on what really matters in our lives. As an unexpected benefit, the need for social distance has provided many of us with the very necessary personal boundaries.
I grew up when the children were seen and not heard, but we were never encouraged to have personal boundaries. We lacked privacy and lacked an understanding of the need for time alone. I remember the scene in Woody Allen’s movie where her husband was in the bathroom and his wife was yelling at him through the door. When the phone rang, my mother answered and listened a lot on other phones until I told her to hang up.
As I grew older, I began to realize the need to have an autonomous relationship with healthy boundaries. Something happened when I reached my fifties and I no longer had the energy or desire to give to an unhealthy situation.
Last year I experienced some health challenges. I realized that it was because I allowed myself to be involved in situations with unhealthy boundaries. The stress I experienced weakened my immune system and made me more susceptible to illness. I am no longer willing to compromise my health in unhealthy situations.
As Carl Jung once wrote, at some point in our lives we all need to “face the soul” and do our own inner work for healing and transformation.
I realized that the only way to build healthy and nurturing relationships is for both parties to look inside themselves, recognize unhealthy patterns, and do the work necessary for change.
This time, it really helped me reassess the personal boundaries and reaffirm the need for them and the freedom within them. Boundaries empower us by letting others know what works and what doesn’t work for us, and by protecting our personal space and energy.
“Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional, mental, or relational limits that define us as separating us from others. Setting boundaries is the boundaries of others. It means being in harmony with ourselves, rather than accepting beliefs, standards and emotions. We control what is important to us and help us make decisions that are useful to our values. Learn to develop more solid self-sensations. ”~ Matot-Massei
Interestingly, if you have a border problem with family members, you probably have a similar problem in your personal relationship.
For example, in poor, co-dependent relationships, there are no healthy boundaries. The personal boundaries are removed, leaving them to sacrifice their own identities in order to obtain the external love and affection they crave by meeting the needs and expectations of others. If you sacrifice your identity to live up to the expectations of others, you lose your sense of self-esteem.
Some people tend to blame others for their emotions and their consequent behavior and become victims. They are waiting for someone to come and save them and give them the love and attention they want — in fact they are expecting —.In doing so they gave all Their power.
Setting healthy boundaries will empower you and, hopefully, teach others in your life to do the same and learn how to take responsibility for yourself. Keep in mind that it is not your job to do it for them. Learning self-love is really the key to this process.
If you have this kind of relationship, do you need to ask yourself if you are helping or enabling?
While enabling can often be disguised as help, repeatedly saving someone from the consequences of their own behavior perpetuates unhealthy behavioral patterns.
When you set healthy boundaries, you not only empower yourself, but also take responsibility for others in your life and begin to solve their own problems and problems. May give.
When you stop rescue, you help them access their own inner strengths and help them move towards realizing their own potential. Otherwise, they are constantly looking for answers and solutions outside of themselves and always feel distressed, incompetent and helpless.
How to create healthy boundaries
Being aware of your thoughts, needs, habits, likes, dislikes, values, and emotional reactions can help you understand who you are. Knowing who you are, who you want to be, and where your boundaries are will help you establish positive relationships with like-minded people.
When you find yourself emotionally exhausted and stressed, you can learn to manage yourself in those situations. Learn to let go of what you no longer feel is right for you.
Some situations that can be emotionally exhausting and stressful are:
- Being around someone with negative energy is operational, threatening, blame, bullying, or anger
- Experience major changes in life such as the death of a loved one, moving to a new home, unemployment, divorce, etc.
- Unrealistic expectations to meet the needs of someone in your life
- Feel responsible for the emotions of others
- Believing in your happiness depends on the actions of others
- Difficult to ask what you need to be afraid of losing love (probably because you experienced disapproval when you didn’t take certain actions as a kid)
- Feel responsible for the happiness of others
Be aware of your pattern.
Unfortunately, most of us are crazy about our patterns. In general, it’s most likely a story that ran through our lives for quite some time. It becomes a habit of how to act in a particular situation. To break the habit, you need to be careful about the pattern and knee spasm reaction so as not to give oxygen.
Due to Covid’s situation, my mother moved with me. My mom always likes and dislikes and tends to be drawn to meat and creamy dairy products that reflect how she grows. But if you’ve seen the recipes and photos I posted, you’ll know that what I prepare is the opposite. As a result, after arriving here, my mother had to change her diet completely.
We joking about this change and the fact that she lost a few pounds of unwanted pounds this way, but she often makes negative comments and has to eat a lot of vegetables. Whine about. At that point, my patterned behavior of needing to please her begins, and I become defensive and return to the kneeling reaction of cooling the air.
I discussed with her that I recognized my role in this situation and continued to eat healthy, but realized that it was a big change for her. We decided to prepare or order the meal she chose once a week and stop her from making negative comments about our meal. This compromise gave her something to look forward to and helped with the problem.
I realized that this was just another opportunity to look at myself through another lens and learn how to respond without taking it personally.
If you have problems that continue to occur, it is important to identify the root cause And your role in them, (We always play a role in them) and notice the patterns. At this point, it’s important to learn to “catch yourself when you fall.” And forgive yourself.
Reminds me My autobiography in 5 short paragraphs, According to Portia Nelson. See clearly until we become aware, responsible, and choose to make healthy changes to get out of our unhealthy patterns when we simply get out of habit and react to life events I can not do it.
Jack Canfield states “event + response = result”. You may not be managing or responsible for the event, but you are managing and responsible for your response. Learn to ponder and respond wisely, rather than kneeling down and reacting.
Let go of self-judgment.
To make changes, you are your own cheerleader and you need to accept yourself about who you are and how far you have come. Don’t hide from your true self. When you fail, admit it, forgive yourself, let it go, and then move on knowing that you will do a better job. The faster you can do this, the easier it will be. Don’t blame yourself when you mess up. Tomorrow is another day.
Please stop and check in yourself before reacting to anything. Is this a healthy reaction? Am I making the problem permanent? Have you enabled the operation? Is my reaction based on my own needs or fears? Is this an old pattern that is no longer healthy?
Take a deep breath before responding. Conscious reactions are better than in-situ reactions.
When you are calm, you will find that changing your behavior helps you and others in your life. A gentle decision to change your behavior actually controls you and regains your power. This requires letting go of the fear that not following the old patterns will somehow lead to a loss of love. After all, this is all.
That brings me to my next point …
We will work to let go of our attachment to the results.
I experience an era where it’s easier to let go and follow the flow. I do it consciously and as a conscious choice. I feel that my conviction and trust in myself are rippling. When I can completely let go, I feel calm and can be at that moment.
When I was much younger, I had a very difficult relationship with unhealthy boundaries. Jeff (not his real name) was divorced and had no children, so it seemed to work. However, despite the divorce, Jeff and his ex-wife remained friends and spoke frequently on the phone. She stopped by to visit and he continued to do business for her and helped her when she asked.
I really felt a strong breach of my personal boundaries, and my instinct was telling me that it wasn’t the right situation for me. But I could see his potential and wanted it to work. I stayed in that situation until I learned to trust my inner knowledge.
I was able to free myself from this unhealthy situation when I was finally able to abandon my attachment in the hope that this relationship would never be possible.
It’s not easy to let go of someone you care about, but self-care is about prioritizing your own well-being. This relationship has become a powerful turning point for me, thanks to the crucial lessons I have learned.
Learn to say no.
No, it’s a complete sentence. You don’t have to feel guilty about expressing yourself. If you answer no, no further explanation is needed. You can choose to say “No, that doesn’t work for me” or “No, it’s impossible”. You don’t need anything else.
It is important to express your feelings and ask what you need. This is to find your voice and make sure you are valued by setting healthy boundaries that empower both you and others in your life.
Your peace of mind and your sense of self are of utmost importance. Succumbing to meeting the needs and expectations of others can cause stress, weaken immunity, and make you more susceptible to illness. It is very important to learn to say “no” when needed and to stay away from unhealthy situations. Others are simply not worth your time or energy.