“If you realize that they rarely think about you, you don’t have to worry too much about what others think of you.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I spent much of my life worrying about what others think of me.
I couldn’t walk down the street without inhaling my intestines, fearing that a stranger might have thought I was fat (I did this even with a weight of 120 pounds !!)
Going to every social gathering, whether it’s a Halloween party, a networking event, a craft fair, or a family meal on a holiday, was very stressful and felt like a beehive in my chest.
I was one of the founders of a startup that had a successful 13-year marketing career and turned into a publicly traded company, but I’m worried that someone might find that I don’t know what I’m doing. I did. No matter what praise you receive, you’re not as smart as being there.
It’s also been a seemingly small job in my life, calling someone over the phone, going to a grocery store, going to the gym, and so on. If others were involved, I could find a way to believe they were trying to judge me.
At one point I said, “Sufficient, I’m miserable, so I need to stop this.”
I’m tired of living in the minds of others, imagining the horrifying things they’re thinking about, and not feeling good to anyone, so I can be my real self I never felt that.
Since then, I’ve come a long way. I recognized when I was in a negative thinking habit, accepted instead of resisting what I was experiencing, challenged the inner bully, changed my perspective, and did the best job ( And keep doing that!) All let go of it.
My changes were so dramatic that I see my life as an old me and a new me.
Old i never You can talk to strangers, dine alone at a restaurant, take part in a podcast, or take a live video on Facebook.
As an elderly person, I couldn’t help but be beaten relentlessly for hours, days, and months to make mistakes, make mistakes, and put my feet in my mouth.
So why are we so worried about the thoughts of others?
For one thing, a little survival instinct is happening. We understand that we are the seeds of the community and that we have strengths in the number and safety of being part of the group. And if something (real or perceived) threatens our place in the community, it triggers our fear reaction, our fight-or-flight instinct.
But do you remember when I wrote the “perceived threat”? That’s what we’re talking about here.
We make decisions about ourselves about what is really happening when we are worried about the thoughts of others, and they believe in the same things they believe in themselves. I’m projecting them to others, assuming they are.
We have these limited beliefs about ourselves, so we are always on the lookout for “proving” that they are true.
Now let’s step by step how to break this habit of worrying about the thoughts of others.
Step 1: Carefully recognize when that will happen.
You can’t change unless you know where to start and when you’re there. Mindfulness is the ultimate empowerment tool and an important first step in regaining control of thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
Mindfulness deliberately pays attention to the present moment without judgment. It recognizes what is really happening in your mind and body right now.
So whenever you go to the gym or yoga, let’s say you’re worried about what people think of your appearance.
You can’t break this habit until you realize you’re doing it. What usually happens is that we are driven by these worries, get caught up in the story, and we have been worried for an hour before we know it. Then we take it to the locker room, get caught in a broken record and go home to dance to the beat.
Mindfulness is aware of emotions. Usually we first feel it in our body. Where does this anxiety appear physically? Stomach knot or chest tightness?
It is aware of what we have in mind, without judgment. What is the story I’m telling myself about this?
Mindfulness realizes, “Oh, I’m doing it again where I’m worried that others might think I’m fat.”
From there, label what you feel. “I feel anxious and self-judgment.”
Do you think taking an objective and intriguing step about what’s happening in your head is like pulling a needle out of a broken record? It prevents us from running unknowingly with this worry and gives us a pause to look it up and space to choose how we want to respond. But before that, it’s important not to skip, so let’s move on to step 2.
Step 2: Practice fundamental acceptance and self-sympathy.
Usually when we feel these unpleasant feelings, we want to run away from them, ignore them and paralyze them (put Netflix binge in the pot with wine, your vice Whatever). We don’t like how it feels, so we hide from it. That is, it has not been completely processed.
Emotions are moving energies. Even if you ignore them, they will not disappear. Allowing them to exist and accepting that this is the emotion I am experiencing now is a step towards making it carry out that course.
In step 1, we recognized this feeling and labeled it. From here, look straight at it and say, “Oh, hello self-judgment. Welcome to the party.”
Personally, I think it really helps to minimize emotions by almost neglecting it. It may sound jarring, but be patient.
“Oh, self-judgment, don’t you look cute tonight?” And I imagine I open the door, put her in and let her find the way to the bar. And I imagine I haven’t joined her.
That’s how I allow her to exist, exist, and appear in my life, but I don’t have to talk to her over a glass of wine.
This is a much more self-compassionate approach than denying the true feelings that arose at that moment. Because I didn’t judge myself, hit me, or indulge in negative emotions because I had this idea.
Step 3: Challenge your core beliefs.
But let’s dig into that idea in step 3: challenge our core beliefs.
Going back to Jim’s example, what causes anxiety and self-judgment is “I think it’s fat and unattractive because other people are looking at me and I don’t belong here.” It was a thing.
To get to the basic belief that drives this idea, think, “If that is true, what does it mean to me?”
Does that mean you don’t like it, it’s not worth it, it’s not enough?
This is a way to identify the limiting core beliefs that drive you to judge yourself and imagine others judging you.
When it comes to beliefs, except for all the opposite evidence, our minds are always looking for something to prove that belief is true. We blindfold everything that proves that belief is wrong.
Let’s stop. Once you have identified your marginal core belief, list all the reasons why this belief is not true, or at least not entirely true.
You might think, “But I’m actually overweight. How can I make a list?”
Remember that you can find a limited belief by asking, “What do you think this means to me?” It may you think you are not adorable. Therefore, list all the evidence of the opposite.
Use this list when you are depressed about yourself. When we have these restrictive beliefs, we forget from the truth that we are blindfolded to block us from the positive qualities of ourselves and our achievements. Please do not.
Step 4: Reconfigure the situation.
Well, now we are working on something really good.
Here we restructure the situation and provide a new perspective. The situation in our example is that you are in the gym or yoga, there are others there, they can see you, and you think “people think I’m fat” about it.
Our emotional reactions to that idea are anxiety, depression, sadness, etc …
These emotions affect our behavior. We ruminate and stick to this idea. You may leave the gym early. You may not use the machine on the other side of the room.
What is another way to think about what is happening without changing the situation?
There are several ways to reframe this:
People are not thinking of me, they are thinking of themselves.
This is really pretty true. People don’t think of you as much as you think. They are thinking about themselves. You see, you’re not really thinking about them. You are thinking about yourself and what you look like in their eyes, and you are worried about what they think. You are..
If they are thinking of you, they will probably be proud of you.
They may be as sick as they were just a few months ago and cheering for you in their heads. I always do this! I have experienced some great physical journeys myself, and I love to be proud to see others around them.
Maybe the guy on the other side of the room really thinks you’re cute.
Maybe a downward-looking dog woman thinks you look like her sister.
Maybe someone else is wondering where you got your top.
The goal is to come up with new ideas. A replacement for automatic thinking that comes to mind for your limited beliefs.
Along with that new idea, new emotions are born. Along with that new emotion, new actions occur. And it is now changing the relationship with your thoughts, literally changing your life.
Step 5: Let go.
You recognize what’s happening, make yourself feel, give yourself a moment of empathy, challenge your core beliefs, look at the situation from a different perspective, and let it go now. It’s time.
Ask yourself, “Does keeping this idea help me in any positive way?” If the answer is no, give yourself permission to let go.
You do it by returning your focus to the present. You can be careful, inhale and focus on it.
If you are in the gym, be careful of your feet hitting the treadmill. The feel of sweat on the skin. The sound of the music being played. When you realize that your mind has returned to those negative thoughts, just notice it and say, “Oh, I decided to let it go” and go back to my current job in front of me. Please give me.
It happens again and your mind returns to thought — just gently return your attention to the present.
This is a real meditation. This is how meditation practices are transformed into real-world changes.
Be aware, acknowledge, and come back. Rinse and repeat.
You are working on developing new habits. What allows you to let go of everything that is no longer useful to you.