“Freedom controls the rudder of your life.” ~ Yukito Kishiro
“What is supper?” A simple question. Still, it’s what I lost my heart to my husband on more than one (or ten or twenty) occasions.
It doesn’t matter in itself. This is a valid question, one that needs an answer (at least one of us).
My trigger is when I’m already in the middle of something, when I’m overwhelmed, emotionally tired, or tired of answering a question, I’m asked to answer the question I am.
So I snap and overreact.
I’ve come a long way on my personal growth journey, but it’s by no means perfect. I still react with anger, but less often and less often. I get angry, but I don’t stay there. I failed, but I humbly apologize and forgive.
When we are in reaction mode to the challenges of life, we have no control. We react in ways that are not in harmony with the way we want to be.
Learning to navigate our triggers not only allows us to regain control and enjoy life more, but also has an amazing trickle-down effect on the people around us. .. It connects us better by appearing gracefully resilient in our relationships and in the models of others and children, allowing people in our circle to imitate the same. ..
So what does it look like to react with anger?
Someone at work criticizes you and you instantly become defensive.
You get angry quickly because your partner asks you to do something when you obviously fill your hands.
Plans change unexpectedly, causing panic and frustration.
You are scared to shut down or be beaten up alive because someone in your life is controlling or manipulating it.
Someone does something that goes against your core values. For example, sneaky, uncaring, lying, and you explode.
It also means reacting to your thoughts and actions and getting angry with yourself because you “start over”, become lazy, or fail.
And that all leads to feeling guilty about saying something you really don’t mean, building a mountain from Mogura Hill, or rehashing past events.
It can lead to re-defeating yourself about how you have dealt with things in the past.
And it can be misleading because you realize that your reaction comes from something deeper than this one case. The culmination of events, or some underlying fear, has created this trigger for you.
Why we react in the first place
When a stress response is triggered, it becomes reactive or overreactive, in a mode of fighting, escaping, or freezing.
Reacts to the autopilot. In this space, we are not in complete control and it is difficult to see things clearly and objectively.
The trigger may be related to a past event. For example, when you were a kid, your parents often ignored you, and you could be triggered when someone ignored you because you felt it wasn’t important. Also, our triggers are events that make us feel out of control.
For example, one of my triggers was a slow driver on the freeway. I immediately entered combat mode and got angry. I got too close to them, shook their fists (or special fingers) at them, honked their horns, and furiously overtook them.
Sitting quietly here, looking back on my past reactive self, I am a little embarrassed and shocked to remember what I did while I was angry. That’s because I’m in a calm place and the combat mode hasn’t started. So you have full control at this point. When I’m in a healthy mental space, I don’t do anything about them — those choices don’t reflect the kind of person I want to be.
When we react from places of fear and anger, we rarely feel better about what we say or do.
How to stop reacting so much and respond more calmly to stress
You don’t have to be dominated by fear or anger. At any time, you can choose to respond to your life from a calm place. Method is as follows.
Prioritize self-care so you don’t feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or at risk of snapping.
If you overstretch yourself or ignore your needs on a regular basis, your default state will be imbalanced and upset, so you will probably feel even caused by a small amount of discomfort. .. And since you don’t have the inner power to handle them, you will find that it is almost impossible to handle the main problems. Take good care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. That makes everything easier to handle.
Identify the trigger of stress and set it to be unresponsive.
What guides you to react to anger and fear? Consciousness is the key here! Make a list of what you know to trigger and why.
The following describes how these triggers usually react when they occur.
For example, my motivation is always to get angry with small things that others don’t deserve to be angry with.
The funny thing is that my reaction to their anger was anger! I get angry at them and yell at them calmly. Obviously, this strategy didn’t work for me.
Then ask yourself, “How do you want to respond instead?”
Looking back on the usual reaction to the trigger, I wanted to stay calm rather than lose my composure and jump out. If I can choose to react to what others are angry with, I can calm down and control.
And that’s one of the main reasons I’ve noticed that I have a very strong reaction to the anger of others. I think the “right” way to be in this world is to be calm, kind and compassionate. When someone reacts with the opposite polarity, it contradicts my values and, ironically, makes me angry with them.
That’s why this step is so important. When emotions are uplifting, we often react in ways that are out of harmony with our values, so we need to consciously decide in advance how we want to respond in stressful situations.
From there, think of yourself trying to control what you can’t control.
At some point, I realize that some people get angry and disagree with their actions. My anger arose from wanting to judge their reaction and control how they felt and behaved. I have no control over others. I may be able to influence them, but I can never control them.
If traffic provokes you, you may be trying to control your time because you feel anxious. If chaos causes you, you may be trying to control your environment to create a sense of security. If an angry person provokes you, you may be trying to control how others react and experience stressful situations.
Now, ask yourself.
I couldn’t control the behavior of others and wanting to control them caused anger in me. I had to focus on myself to reach my desired reaction of calm and control. Because all I can control is what I do.
So when someone else is angry and thinks they are overreacting, I take a deep breath and get away from the situation and ask others how I can help You can (to help calm them down), or just sit down and allow them to handle the situation they need at the moment.
When I stopped the reaction of anger and anger, I began to notice that the anger of those around me decreased. And when they got angry, they didn’t stay angry that long.
Whether they noticed or not, they often began to notice that they were imitating me. Of course, part of it was that I was no longer angry and had fueled it since my end. But seeing what it looks like to stay calm and in control is an important skill to witness. It shows others what it looks like so they can do the same.
We are all triggered from time to time, but we don’t have to say or do anything we regret. It will eventually hurt your relationships and upset you about yourself. With a little self-awareness, we can stop reacting to autopilot and start reacting to life from a calm and neutral place. Often, if not always, we feel much more peaceful and controlled!