Games

If the Monolith is a Game Awards teaser, I’m alive

Over the last two weeks, mysterious metal pillars (other than stones, not monoliths) have been discovered around the world. Who built them? What are they for? We do not know. Are they art? Probably! Are they a Moonman threat? We should be very lucky! Are they “viral” marketing of products that are not yet known? Yeah, maybe. When I heard people find another column on Sunday, I noticed: Oh no, the Game Awards are this week, what if these were game announcement teasers? God, they may be. Oh, I will be very unhappy.

Summary: In recent weeks, mysterious glittering monuments have been discovered in Utah (disappeared), Romania, California, and now the Isle of Wight. They are mostly triangular prisms, but they are not all the same shape, material, or structure. (And to be honest, it’s not made of riveted panels, it’s cooler as a solid mass of metal.)

This is what I hope is happening: one (or more) did it first in Utah as a surprise sculpture. I’m not keen on people who illegally build things on public green spaces, but this was fun news for a tough year. Then some other people around the world thought, “This is a fun mystery. I’ll join in and build it where I live.”

This is what I’m afraid of happening: it’s some stupid marketing campaigns for something (perhaps the latter one or two are from avid pillar enthusiasts). As soon as the second appeared, I began to suspect that marketing was in progress, and all the magic was lost. Everything is bad for marketing. I know everything these days, so it’s probably an app, but I’m not going to exclude games.

I have a terrible image in my head. It’s midnight. Geoff Keighley’s advertising drama has just begun. We open on a dark stage and a cloud of fake smoke is rolling. Suddenly, the fog is pierced by a spotlight that bounces off the fifth gleaming debris. A Twitch streamer emerges from the fog and wraps badly. After enduring a few verses about leveling up, the smoke disappeared, leaning against a lump of metal, revealing a software CEO in a polo shirt that looked too self-righteous. He joins Geoff Keighley, who waves his hand to deliver a pre-written quibble about the truth there. Can’t you see God?

I’m afraid of The Game Awards starting Thursday at 4pm PST (midnight Friday). I heard that the ad stream may give out some awards.

I have an even worse idea. What if these tall, sharp-edged metal prongs actually stand on both ends? Are they the 5 blades of a giant sick hide robot?

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If all these monoliths are Game Awards teasers, I will be livid

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