“We finally learn that emotional closure is our own action.” ~ David Daeda
When my last relationship was over, I really didn’t understand why. After spending eight years together, we still felt love for each other, but my partner left, saying he couldn’t commit.
He didn’t want to work on the relationship because he felt nothing changed for him. So I have no choice but to end it and do everything I can to regain myself from the deep sorrow intensified by the great turmoil.
Even now, more than a year later, we can’t give you a clear reason for our dissolution. I’m still thinking about division, and sometimes it can still provoke emotions.
But these days, I’m more distantly curious when it comes to thinking about why we’re done, rather than having to understand and understand it. I think this may be an elusive condition that we call “closed”.
From this reflection, I decided to explore what closure meant. Do we really have it, and where did it come from?
What is a closure?
What do we really want when we say we want a “close” at the end of a relationship?
I find that when people talk to me about the need for closure, what they generally mean is that they seek answers and understand why things ended up in their way. Did.
Broken hearts often believe that if they can understand, they will get the closure they desperately want. why.. They hope that this knowledge will help stop their overthinking and free them from their painful emotions.
I believed this too, but previous catastrophic divorce experiences showed that it didn’t work that way. Closures must come from the inside, as you will remain frustrated and helpless and prolong your healing process when you look to your ex or somewhere else to find it. Hmm.
So let’s look at some truth about closures that explain why it has to be an internal task:
1. Your original response leads to more questions.
At the time of my farewell, my ex and I had some conversations, including doing a lot of things asking why, but didn’t get many answers. He couldn’t really explain. He told me, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and when someone gives it to you as their reason, there’s nowhere you can go with it.
For those who leave, it will feel like the best way to end it. But for those who have left, it is very frustrating, and our natural tendency is to desperately ask more questions, “what’s wrong?” “Can I help you with whatever you are experiencing?” “Can I fix it somehow?” “At least can I tackle it?”
When we are still in love with someone, it is important to know that what they say does not give us a closure. The answer never feels good enough, they only lead to more questions and more longing.
2. The “last one meeting” exacerbates the pain.
If communication remains after the dissolution, seek a final meeting to help you understand and acquire the closure you are seeking. But for all the above reasons, this doesn’t help.
Social gatherings are often an excuse to get in touch, as the ending feels painfully final. By seeing them in the “last story,” there may be a hidden hope that they may reconsider or question their departure.
There is no doubt that you will seek closure this way, but before deciding to meet, make sure you really want a settlement. Think about how your pain will be prolonged if you don’t get it.
3. Your closure cannot come from their truth.
You cannot rely on the words of those who have broken your heart because of your own closure. Not because they are deliberately dishonest (except in certain cases where they are), but because there is never a single truth at the time of dissolution.
The answers you receive from your source may first bring you a little understanding or peace. But if you rely on them for closure and then the reality changes, it can retreat you and cause even more pain.
I allowed him to be deeply reassured by my original claim that he had left because he needed to be alone. So when I told me two months later he was dating again, I allowed my peace of mind to come from his words and it wasn’t my own healing, so I was completely devastated did.I believed “It’s me, not you,Then I felt an intestinal punch that it was actually me.
But when I began to go through the healing process, my growth made it possible to change my view of the meaning I gave to this revelation. I have learned to reconstruct the deep emotions of rejection and create my own, more empowering, understanding of why we ended.
You cannot stick to the peace of mind from the truth and explanations of others. Because they have no lasting meaning to you. Your closure will have a strong foundation only if it comes from your own truth.
4. Proceeding must not be conditional.
You lose your power when you believe that you can only get a closure through your ex-partner. By doing so, you can effectively let them say if it’s okay to move on.
If you need an apology, behavioral change, explanation, empathy, forgiveness, etc. before proceeding, what if they never happen? Is it okay to spend years waiting for someone else to fix your pain?
Whatever your ex-partner tells or withholds you, they acted at the time, but whatever their current or future behavior is, it is far more relevant than your reaction to these things. there is not.
Your ability to get closure is unconditionally within your control, and it will be much easier when you stop focusing on your ex.
5. Closure is not passive — what you do is important.
There is a common understanding that “time heals a broken heart.”
It is true that the strength of the emotions of sadness can be learned over time, but what really makes a difference in the speed of progress is how willing to do the inner work for change and growth. ..
As you get closed, you will find that you are no longer so emotionally triggered by the same external situation. However, this doesn’t happen because something is different there.The reason is You are It’s different.
You gain peace from the inside as you learn to heal your inner wounds, change your perspective, and change your reaction to events. This is not determined by time. It’s up to you how quickly you make these changes.
6. Closing is not a one-time event.
There is a misconception that closure is what we ultimately “get”. The word itself means that it is all the conclusions related to division. Because of this belief, we are always wondering when we “have it.”
Instead, think of it as a process rather than a one-off event to remove pressure and expectations from reaching this ultimate goal. Creating a closure is an ongoing journey of self-awareness, learning, and progress check-in. We don’t just wake up clean for a new life one morning.
Reconstructing closures in this way also frees us from making decisions about how we should feel. After a period of good progress, it is common to consider new emotional triggers unwelcome. They are seen negatively as a sign of frustration, but they only emphasize where we still need a little more healing.
Allow achievable closure
The view of closure is important.Compare statements “I am closed every day” When “There is no closure yet.” You soon know which one feels gentler, more healing, and less self-judgment.
I recently asked people what closures look like, and I most believe that you will reach when you no longer think or feel about your division I found out.
How realistic is this idea? Perhaps it is healthier and more achievable to claim that we are closed when they no longer control us, rather than when our thoughts and feelings are completely gone.
In my experience, your division and peace ultimately comes from choosing to heal through growth and focus on being within your control. This is a type of closure that does not originate from a former partner, rebound relationship, or other external source. Once you get the closure this way, you can’t take it away from you.