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My older father was physically abusive, so I’ll leave his farm to my two sisters. Should I disagree with his will?

Dear Moneyist,

I have two daughters. Growing up with an agricultural family during the farm crisis was difficult. My dad was very abusive both physically and mentally. When I was 12, he was pinching my ears with pliers. He once said he loved me, but he treated me like a farm worker and punished me whenever I did nothing as he asked for.

He paid $ 10,000 per person for my sister’s wedding and about the same for divorce. I didn’t get anything. He said: “Pay for girls. Not boys.” I’m 52 years old. Until three years ago, when my mother divorced him for his drinking, he still asked me to come out to help the farm. Hooray. Through counseling, I realized that I was seeking my father’s approval. I haven’t.

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So I did everything he asked. I had just been beaten again and he told my family and community a false story about me. He accused me of divorcing my mother. He didn’t talk to my sister for several years because of the divorce. My sister told me they weren’t talking to him, but they did. They were always supported.

One sister is now probably facing a great legacy. It’s a farm and equipment. Some people have told me that my dad wrote me at his will. Everything goes to at least one sister, if not both. I’m in Iowa. This is really hard to hear, as I grew most of the farm work, and I was the only one who helped as an adult. The girls have been seeing him all the time.

Should I disagree with the will when my father died, assuming I was written out of the will?

Ignored son

Dear son,

We do not recommend disagreeing with the will. It prolongs your childhood drama and trauma. Thanks to my dad for teaching me how to not treat people. It’s time to move on.

Whatever you are looking for, you cannot find it in your father’s last wishes. Pain from childhood, even if you win, can’t be eradicated by spectacular gestures or objections to it. This is likely to be costly, unlikely, and emotionally exhausting. It’s time for you to stop looking for that verification from your father.

The solution to your question has nothing to do with your father’s farm or your sister’s marriage or divorce. Every time your father favors your sister, you appear to be re-experiencing the rejections you experienced as a child. He is your father, but he is another person who has abused you, may or may not have been abused, and was not the right father for you.

Be free. In her book, “Toxic Parents: Overcome Their Harmful Legacy and Regain Your Life,” writes Susan Forward: “Unhealthy families discourage personal expression. Everyone thinks of toxic parents. And must obey their actions. They promote fusion, blurring of individual boundaries, and family fusion. ”

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“Many toxic parents compare one sibling to another at a disadvantage and make the subject’s child feel that they are not doing enough to gain parental affection,” she adds. .. “This motivates children to do whatever their parents want to regain their favor. This divide-and-conquer law is for children who are a little too self-reliant and threaten the balance of the family system. Often unleashed. “

You can unsubscribe from this toxic dynamics. Your dad, unfortunately Had An economic, physical and emotional hold on you. He is a victim who appears to have serious problems with anger management, alcohol, and other unresolved trauma and resentment hosts. But you can’t fix him, and you can’t fix your relationship with him. It’s not your job. You can only fix it yourself.

Parents should instill self-belief in their children, tell them that they are neither better nor worse than anyone else, and follow the path of making healthy and positive choices. Pursuing a career you love and having the self-belief in choosing a partner to support you is one of the most valuable qualities parents can instill in their children. It can change the course of their lives. Your dad didn’t do that.

But now you can choose to regain that power by treatment and by creating financial and life goals that have nothing to do with your family. You are more than your sister’s brother and your father’s son. You are now your own man with your own children, and it’s time to get out of this dysfunctional family system. Make your father an unprecedented father.

You can be generous with your time and your love and support, and do not use inheritance as a love club or surrogate.Your dad gave you a gift: method template Absent To raise a child, and to remind you that you have the power to build your own life free from the brutality and conditions that your father set for his affection. Walking away from this farm is a gift that you can give your childhood self.

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Quentin Fottrell is a Moneyist columnist at MarketWatch. You can email financial and ethical questions to The Moneyist at By emailing your question, you agree to publish it anonymously on MarketWatch.

My older father was physically abusive, so I’ll leave his farm to my two sisters. Should I disagree with his will? My older father was physically abusive, so I’ll leave his farm to my two sisters. Should I disagree with his will?

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