Business & Investment

My wife earns $ 200,000 a year, giving us $ 700 a month and $ 3,000 to her brother and mother “to keep them in a good life.”

I haven’t contacted anyone about my personal life, but I’m in a draw.

My wife and I got married in 2008 and I knew that her mother dominated most of her life. What I didn’t know was that my mother-in-law also used her emotional guilt to force her to work 150 hours a week to keep her and her son in a good life.

She earns over $ 200,000 a year for all overtime. But we have two children and she is never together. Her brother always calls for more money, a bigger apartment, a cooler new car, and if she doesn’t give in, her mother calls and does the same.

“While her family lives from her diligence and our poverty, the children and I are constantly scraping.”

The other part is that my wife gave her mother the power of a lawyer across all her finances.

Now that I’m away from work to raise my child and get a PhD, I’m working part-time, but that doesn’t help at all. My wife offered $ 700 a month to run a household with his car, giving his brother-in-law $ 3,000 for play (he was 40 and never worked). I will pay the rent.

This is all we discuss. There is nothing else except her brother who sometimes threatens to kill himself if he does not receive the quarterly bonus.

Children and I are constantly scraping while her family lives from her diligence and our poverty. What are your recommendations for handling this? We are approaching the need for divorce as our children are suffering.

Not optional

You can email The Moneyist financial and ethical questions related to the coronavirus at

Want to read more?Follow Quentin Fottrell twitter Read more of his column here.

Dear OOO,

Your Mother-in-law Dominates Your Wife This domination prepares you to make concessions, even on husbands and children whose wives are at risk of losing everything long before you meet her. The rule that there is has begun. It started before she realized what it was.

Your wife believes she and her brother and mother are unbreakable triumvirate, so you may not yet understand how toxic and co-dependent these relationships are. Your mother-in-law, your brother-in-law, or both?

You have already raised these issues with her, and it is controversial because you are challenging something systematic. Breaking down this structure requires the intervention of financial therapists, financial advisers, and psychologists.

Start thinking of her family not as a mother and sibling, but as a “family system”, a theory developed by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen. It’s a complex system that allows people to follow the rules, adopt moral beliefs, and, of course, undoubtedly give up their agency.

The toxic family system is like a cult.

The toxic family system is like a cult. Your wife’s mother and siblings don’t just say, “You owe us.” They are, in effect, “You are ours. You are us. We are you.” Under such circumstances, the threat of suicide is even more triggering.

In her book “Toxic Parents,” Susan Forward wrote: Everyone must follow the thoughts and actions of toxic parents. They promote fusion, blurring of personal boundaries, and family fusion. “

They are one unit bound by the rules of both visible and invisible. “At the unconscious level, it’s hard to know where the family ends and where it starts. In their efforts to get closer, they often choke on each other’s personalities,” she adds.

“Children who are not encouraged to do, try, explore, learn, and risk failure often feel helpless and inadequate. Overly dominated by anxious and frightening parents. These children, who are often anxious and afraid of themselves, “writes Forward.

“This makes it difficult for them to mature,” she adds. “Many people never exceed the need for continuous parental guidance and management. As a result, their parents continue to invade, manipulate, and control their lives frequently.” This is like where you are.

The question is: Who needs the most help? Who wants to be helped? And who can help? Your wife will choose either you or her family of origin, and you will be forced to make the difficult choice of accepting it or choosing you instead.

Hello, MarketWatchers.check out Moneyist Private Facebook

The group seeks answers to the most difficult money problems in life. Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Please post a question or tell us what you want to know. Or consider the latest Moneyist column.

By submitting a story to Dow Jones & Company, the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that you may use the story or its version on all media and platforms, including third parties.

My wife earns $ 200,000 a year, giving us $ 700 a month and $ 3,000 to her brother and mother “to keep them in a good life.” My wife earns $ 200,000 a year, giving us $ 700 a month and $ 3,000 to her brother and mother “to keep them in a good life.”

Back to top button