The lies we tell ourselves about our values ​​and how I let them go

“You either walk in your story and own it, or you stand outside and quarrel for your worth.” Brené Brown

When I was standing in front of the graduate professor for the final exam of the semester, I trembled and sweated in fear. I was 22 at the time and felt like a fish from the water in my graduate program. I dreamed of becoming a professor, studying and writing, but I pondered. I can’t fit here. No one likes me. “

When a professor of my religion announces that the final is a one-on-one translation, not a sit-in bubble quiz, and the question needs to be answered aloud, I fail it epicly. I knew. Hooray. To add oil to the fire, I shed tears and ran out of room.

I was so afraid that I failed before I started. My hands were shaking, and soon my teacher would know the truth: I didn’t belong there.

My professor was incredibly smart and scared from the first meeting. The way I thought he spoke to others caused deep wounds, probably because his tone, wording, and vocabulary were academic (whether intentional or unintentional).

Since I was a kid, I had a limited belief that “I’m not smart.” This followed me wherever I went.

Whether at school, at work, or in relationships, I always let others make decisions and downplay my opinion. I looked for answers to others and then compared myself to them. This made me feel uneasy and dependent on others. I wasn’t the leader I envisioned.

It was the source of the shame I felt and allowed me to mean stupid, worthless and never successful. My inner critics were loud and eager to prove to me why I was less than.

Since childhood, there are some memories that can be recognized as the beginning of this limited belief.

I remember the first grade teacher returning the math worksheet. Zero is displayed in red letters at the top. I still remember that red marker, question, and feeling worthless. I couldn’t understand the question or why 10 out of 10 classmates were so shy that I couldn’t hear or hear the answer.

This happened through my school education. It took me more time to understand the concept than my classmates. I wanted to ask a question, but I was afraid that I might look stupid or not yet understand, so I avoided traditional learning all at once.

I always looked around and thought, “If they understand it, I should.” In other words, I have something wrong.

Growing up in the 90’s, I was teased that I was blonde and crazy. I was friendly, stupid, and loved to laugh, so it was labeled as a stereotypical blonde airhead. It hurt my feelings more than I ever forgave.

It strengthened my belief that I wasn’t smart or enough, even when the teasing was friendly and done by a friend who loved me. This belief made me feel small, and no matter what I achieved and how much love I received, I still felt like a failure, so I kept me in a cage.

This limited belief pervaded my friendship as I felt this anxiety about myself and I couldn’t be my true self in front of others. I wanted to please my friends by listening to, supporting and advocating their dreams, rather than taking the risk of showing their leadership abilities and the intellectual quest that they longed for deeply. ..

Looking back, I think I had great abilities in school and relationships, but due to misunderstandings about my values, I felt it was safer to be unobtrusive. Focusing on myself was too dangerous for my nervous system, which was always in survival mode.

I preferred to fly under the radar and pass the class unnoticed by anyone. I felt safer than sharing my problem vulnerably, so I preferred to focus on my friends’ problems and dreams.

I have never attended a graduate school graduation ceremony or completed all the finals. I still passed, but did not celebrate the achievement.

In fact, I wanted to write a dissertation, but my counselor (another professor) discouraged me. She told me how much work it would be and I didn’t have to pass instead of motivating myself to challenge myself. Her writing was always important to me, so I really wanted to do it, but she didn’t speak or believe herself enough to talk to her.

I’ve heard from many people like me and I know I’m one of the many sensitive souls that have been discouraged by teachers. I misunderstood that my difference was less capable than others, but I’m happy to say that none of these experiences prevented me from moving forward.

Increasing time and awareness, I took steps to heal these wounds and change my marginal beliefs about myself.

Learning about shame is the biggest step you can take to change this yourself. Whether your shame is from childhood, traumatic events, fighting addiction, or coming out with your sexuality, there is healing to be done here, You are not alone.

At this time, I can’t afford to put this embarrassment into my life. I’m aware of it when it happens and no longer appreciate its protection. I did an inner job to heal.

The first step I took was to talk to someone about it. Put it out. Shed light on it. If we want to heal or change something in our lives, we must be honest about what we want and what we are afraid of.

Once I tried it, I realized that many others had the same fear and it wasn’t true.

It wasn’t true that I wasn’t smart enough. There was evidence to prove this. I was accepted into the program. I passed the class. I understand a rewarding idea. I like research and writing and have accepted feedback to improve. I also had a graduate degree.

I was able to learn new skills in an environment that felt to support a safe and sensitive nervous system. I found that I did well with one-on-one support in a small group.

I knew it didn’t mean that the wound wasn’t caused anymore, but it did mean that I had the consciousness to calm myself when it happened.

That meant it hurts, but I didn’t allow it to stop me from moving forward. Instead, I support myself, remember the truth, and make myself feel pain. I am unlimited and deserve love, acceptance and approval.

Whenever we believe we are lying about ourselves, it causes great inner pain to us. The pain is an invitation to dig deeper, reveal lies, challenge them, and adopt new beliefs that are not shy and proud.

It was myself that I most awaited approval. I had to be the one who ultimately accepted my difference without labeling myself as worthless. Even if I felt anxious or anxious, I had to love myself. When I did that, it was reflected to me 10 times.

We all have fear and limited beliefs and bear the burden of shame within us. These are human qualities, which means they are a natural challenge shared by all healthy people.

Instead of hiding, paralyzing, or burying them deeply, share them in a safe space, shed light on the truth, feel the emotions and regain power while knowing the truth. You told yourself, you are good enough and deserve love.

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