“You are allowed to end your relationship with a toxic family. You are allowed to walk away from those who hurt you. No one has any reason to take care of yourself.” ~not clear
You might think it’s a monster because it has nothing to do with your parents. I don’t spend holidays with them. I don’t call them back. They don’t know the proper details about my life, my friends, my family, my work, or the person I became. Do these facts shock you?
You may only know your loving and supportive parents. Parents who were open to discussing, negotiating, respecting your boundaries, and really being part of your life. That’s why you won’t understand that I don’t feel the same about my parents.
Your instinct is to deny my reality when I find out that I have nothing to do with my parents. You try to tell me that my parents love me unconditionally, that my mother still cares for me, and that my parents acted out of love for me. You insist that I should try to reconcile with my family and tell me many times that I would regret otherwise.
That they love me unconditionally, that they still care about me, that their actions are based on good intentions, or that they abused me to make me a better person disagree. I’m sorry if this upsets you or disagrees with your understanding of what your family looks like.
You should work harder on me, I will be aggressive telling me that I have to adapt, adapt and be considerate of my parents. You tell me that you should forgive them for what I claim they did to me, and many times tell me that forgiveness leads to peace and healing.
But you don’t understand it. I have already been healed by not having them in my life by accepting my painful reality.
I think you should call my parents and have a rational conversation that magically leads to a Hollywood ending full of apologies, verifications, love, and reconciliation. That way, you believe that I will always have the family I want, and our relationships will be stronger, healthier, and more supportive.
I need to stop you and be firm. Your lack of understanding of my situation is hurting me again. You cannot contact your parents to reconcile. Do you think I didn’t try the conversation you’re proposing? Did I adapt hard, do what they wanted, apologize to my parents, try to contain them, but realize that nothing has changed? I was never enough!
Each interaction takes time to understand how much they despised me and thought little about me, and they listened to me, knew more about me, and understood where I came from. I checked how reluctant I was to call. Over and over again, I worked harder and harder, and every time my heart broke. A picture of a perfect family smashing the wall and making my family’s reality more and more clear.
These weren’t the parents who loved me unconditionally in the way parents loved their children. These can love me if I get better at school, do more for them around the house, accomplish something they can brag about and raise their own social status It was my parents who might be.
They weren’t parents who could bother to know who I was because they believed they knew the flawed and evil monster they had come up with. But I wasn’t an evil monster. I was an adult child who was anxious to build a healthy relationship with my parents. I was a teenager who made some mistakes, and finally I was an adult who clearly and accurately saw and understood the dynamics of the family.
Breaking contact with my parents was one of the most difficult choices I have ever had to make in my life. Contrary to what you might think, I didn’t wake up one morning and decided I didn’t want to have a family anymore. Rather, when I woke up one morning, I realized that if I didn’t end the relationship, my parents would continue to hurt me for the rest of my life.
By breaking contact with my parents, formally known as alienation, I was able to embrace the reality of my situation and build a life that leads to self-verification and healing.
This road is painful and I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. But sometimes I understand how much better my life would be if my parents lacked compassion, respected my boundaries, or wasn’t willing to work with me to build a healthy relationship.
Every time you cling to the Hollywood concept of reconciliation, you hurt me. I know I can’t have this relationship because my relationship with my parents is never healthy. But every time you propose that I reconcile, you question me myself.
I’ve been good at asking myself for many years because society doesn’t affirm my choice as socially acceptable and doesn’t tolerate why I chose to break contact in the first place. It’s been here.
Asking questions about myself and my self-esteem has helped my parents become very good over the years. You see, I couldn’t do the best for myself. Because for them, I was wrong, bad, and didn’t remember the situation or event exactly.
Maybe you’re not going to question me yourself, but every time you bring up the idea that reconciliation and my relationship with my family could be modified, it brings me back into that space. I have to remember all the reasons I had to get out of touch. I am forced to relive the painful conversations and the intense and overwhelming longing for love, apologies and verifications that I know I can never get from my parents.
I’m going to stop you before you tell me things need to look different and most relationships can be fixed. I remember that it is difficult for people to change. It’s much easier to say that you’ve changed to save your face or relieve guilt and pain.
One does not change for others. They change on their own because they understand that there are benefits to coordinating their behavior. Compassionate, amputated parents cannot change for a child they couldn’t really love.
I know my choices make you uncomfortable. I took a picture of your family, and I split it into millions, the parts that can never be put back together. I challenged your loving, supportive and tolerant family concept because it’s not my reality, but for you I’m glad if it’s yours.
Do not tell me that time can heal all wounds, or that time corrects relationships. Time taught me that I made the right choice.
When I see some of you interacting with your parents, incredible admiration is still washing me away. You have the support, love, and mentorship from your family that I never know. Instead, I want to look through the window at a seemingly perfect family, your family, and see how you are loved and supported.
I always feel the pain of not having the picture as my own. Some of me always wonder why I wasn’t worth it in the first place. Fragments of my heart will hurt with the pain of longing. The longing I have learned and accepted is a natural part of my life when I have no loving and supportive parents.
Do not downplay my pain or deny my living experience. Don’t tell me what I’m feeling now will not be the same as what I’m feeling six months or six years from now. It doesn’t mean tough, but I’m relieved for you because you haven’t lived my life or put on my shoes.
Don’t remind me that my siblings have a great relationship with my parents, so I may be able to improve my relationship with them.
Remind me that not all children are treated the same in a family like me
Some kids are golden kids with love and support, while others are barely noticed, but keep in touch in the hope that one day the relationship will improve. Ignored children. The other children in the toxic family system are scapegoats. Scapegoats aren’t really loved and are accused of being out of their control.
In adulthood, society teaches us that everyone needs a family, so some children in these families choose to deny the reality of dysfunction. The alternatives are so stigmatized and painful that they choose to stay in touch with their uncaring parents.
Stop! Don’t remember my mother’s behavior when you grew up in my house. Don’t tell me she has treated you well for years and was very interested / invested in your life. Don’t ask about me every time she sees you or say you don’t know why I contacted her.
I don’t want to hear how kind my father was. I don’t want to relive the barbecue in the backyard where my parents acted kindly and kindly. You see, they acted.
Toxic parents are often kind, compassionate, and compassionate to everyone except their own children. In a closed room, they were very different people when you and the other world weren’t looking.
You may have seen them treat me kindly or pretend they care. This was all an act. I don’t think you believe me, so I don’t want to show who they really were in a closed room. I know this makes it difficult to understand my point of view, but I don’t want to live in the pain of the past. I want to stay in the present, open my heart and look to the future with an optimistic mind.
Again, the choice of not having a family is stigmatizing and painful. Pain and stigma flow from being ununderstood. From the assumption that I must have something wrong to break the contact, I must have done something inherently bad or catastrophic that deserves to be kicked out of my family.
Shatter the picture again. The only thing I did wrong was to challenge the understanding of a loving family.
Let me ask you something. If your friend criticizes, judges, and doesn’t accept you as a person, will you be friends with that person?
After interacting with that friend, if I told you that you were anxious, your whole body was hurt, you felt like you did something wrong, you couldn’t sleep, and you questioned your judgment. what should I do? Every time you interacted with each other in your head, you remembered abusive comments, judgmental behavior, and the negative words you endured during your visit.
Can you really make friends with that person? No, I couldn’t. So, given how my parents make me feel, why are you encouraging me to reconcile and stay in touch with my parents? Is it very difficult to understand that unhealthy relationships can occur between families?
Hold on to a picture of your family, but don’t ask me for my repair. Instead, understand and accept my shattered photos.
Don’t ask me to chop yourself up with shards of glass through the false hopes of forgiveness, reconciliation, and unconditional love and acceptance. If what I said makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. Society denies reality, picks up a piece of glass, and makes me feel uncomfortable every time I’m told to expose my family’s wounds. By accepting it, you can easily heal.