Do you sometimes dream that your mom is gone and all your worries disappear with her?
I was imagining that too.
When my mom was in the intensive care unit, swaying between life and death, I sat outside, got a shell shock, shook my whole body, and tried to understand the doctor’s words. .. I’m sorry. “
For a while, I imagined Mama would die soon in an old hospital building with rotunda, pylon, and stucco ceilings.
And the idea that she wouldn’t return to my life felt like a relief. At last I was able to relax and live my life … and after that moment, the muscles around my chest tightened and choked me with the energy of the resting beast.
My mother was a fighter, and she survived against the odds. We spent another 13 years together, drifting between the bad and the terrible. And as we approached the end, everything changed unexpectedly. It was nothing but a miracle … or was it?
Do not throw your baby in the bath water
The problem is that you can run away or lose contact, which can provide temporary relief. But sooner or later, history will catch up with you unless you stop running and heal yourself.
Don’t get me wrong. In extreme cases, the only way to save yourself is to stay away from the torturer. But most of the family tensions are about hordes of unhappy and struggling women who have never felt loved by their mothers and as a result do not know how to love us. A generation of misery and unnecessary suffering.
It’s like being part of a machine, where the wound watch gear keeps moving until someone forgets to wind the watch or one gear goes out of sync and interferes with the entire mechanism.
As long as you have the will to heal, you are in its irreverent and rebellious equipment and can get out of the pattern of generations of abuse. But don’t throw your baby in the bath water.
what What does that mean?
Please let me explain.
You are you for your mom
If your mom isn’t really listening, or if you are, I think you’re against you. She is critical, hurt by her remarks, and she controls your life with a hard hand. And she always loves to complain about her life, how difficult it is, how lonely and unappreciated, and how tired she is.
These complaints make you crazy — you have enough worry of yourself. You may still be angry and indignant and unable to find understanding and empathy for a difficult mother. all right.
At the heart of you, I know you are a kind, sensitive, listener, and empathetic person. You were there too, so you understand the pain of others. Even if you don’t always know what to say, you know how to be there for others.
But you are also a fighter. It must be because your mom is trying to move your life according to her plans, but you don’t forgive her. You prove to her and yourself that you can be happy for yourself because this life is yours, you are another, and only you know what is right for you Must be.
You fight for your dreams and make them happen one by one. You don’t have to wait for the fairy to come and serve everything you need to be happy on the plate. Instead, you try to change your life little by little.
You are stronger and more resilient than recognizing your achievements.
As you know, the “side effects” of being criticized, disciplined, and imposing the will of others on you are the ability to think for yourself. You see your mother’s behavior irrational and confusing, and you question your mother’s judgments and decisions. You can feel people who can hurt you and you avoid getting caught up in them when you hear your inner voice.
Always keep in mind that its resilience and stubbornness is there and you can always connect to it. It may feel angry for good reason — that anger gives you the energy to stand up for yourself. Use it to protect yourself and grow.
You may not be able to see it now, but your trials are a gift to help you become a better person. Just zoom out and you’ll get a complete picture of your existence.
As if the steel was tempered
Each experience we live in is valuable because it teaches us the lessons we need to learn.
When you were a kid, your mom was responsible for you. Well, you are no longer a child. It is now your responsibility how you feel about yourself. Taking it will allow you to change your life.
And what do I have to do?
It takes time, but that doesn’t mean you should always be on a treadmill that works hard. You should now live and enjoy your life here. Doing so will help speed up the healing itself.
In retrospect, the most important milestones of my healing are:
# 1 Under treatment.
Before the treatment, I didn’t remember much about my childhood, but I still remember it. But the truth is, I didn’t want to remember the good ones because I didn’t support the image of a terrible mother at the time. My pain and horror made me so engrossed that I couldn’t see anything good for my mom.
Therapy helped get rid of anger from my heart, and doing so did not freeze the good memories of my childhood: Mom reads a good night story for me every night. Mom made cute dresses for me and bought me clothes that she could hardly buy. Mom is on vacation at home to take her friends to the Black Sea.
Eventually, I There is no pure good and evil— We are all confused by the cocktail of light and darkness. Owning our shadows helps us get off the righteous horse and stop pointing our fingers at others. We are all humans, which means they are flawed.
# 2 Studying trauma.
Educating myself on child abuse and other trauma-related topics helped me understand the cause of the problem. It also showed me that I wasn’t crazy, and none of it was my fault. If I wanted to live my happy life, that healing was possible and necessary. But perhaps the biggest point was to learn that I wasn’t alone in this situation.
# 3 Interested in the history of my family.
By exploring my mother’s background and understanding her wounds, I was able to forgive her later and live my life.
# 4 Build boundaries and keep distance.
Emotional separation from the mother allowed her to reconstruct herself as an independent person and set healthy boundaries, rather than being an extension of her mother.
# 5 Become a better daughter.
By learning better communication skills, I was able to connect with moms at another level and minimize new injuries. Better communication means choosing your fight and avoiding some of the unnecessary fights.
For example, if a mother complains of being lonely, then she can verify her experience. After all, she may live alone, and if she feels lonely despite all your help, she has the right to her emotions. Therefore, by saying “Mom, I think it’s hard”, you can prevent attacks and keep feelings.
PS You must sound empathetic and authentic to get the reaction you want.
# 6 Continue your efforts.
If you keep trying to stay in touch and always try to get in touch with her, you may be rewarded later when you don’t expect much change.
However, not all costs are incurred. Use your judgment. If you have a very malignant relationship, it’s up to you to keep the distance or avoid contact altogether.
# 7 Foster a positive relationship.
By making friends with emotionally healthy people, you can enjoy healthy and healthy relationships and learn better ways to interact.
Is it easy? It’s not the first time, but you can learn. It may be scary, but it’s also rewarding. So give me a chance.
Do the work that only you can do
I think the loss of my mother in 2005 made my life easier in some way, but did it contribute to my healing and growth? It may not be.
And you would have missed the opportunity to meet another mom in her life last year. When she saw me, she shined with a smile of joy, bottomless love and gratitude on her face. Our mutual forgiveness and hugs — she has never hugged me!
The pain and anger at my mother was gone, and I was finally relieved. Believe it or not, I miss her. Here is a picture of her and her dad taken from her apartment after she died. They are in my office now. When you step in, you say “good morning” every day.
There is a job that only you can do. Do it not only for you, but for the next generation of your family, and for a world that needs more kindness and acceptance than ever before. Stop trying to change your mother and use your energy to build yourself.
Get angry, sad, and hurt-feel it all. Then let go and move on. If someone can do it, it’s you. Because of your difficult mother, you are strong, resilient, and have a strong will to change your life better.