“If you stop chasing the wrong thing, you have a chance to catch the right thing.” ~ Unknown
I may be crazy about feeling good. I’m not a stranger in pleasure, and I want rudely what I want. But there is a conflict that arises when one of the things I want is to distract me from making what I want even bigger.
My story is very general and almost cliché.
Men and women meet at The Tinder. Both of them are vague enough about what they want and jump in without really knowing where it goes. They foster trust and intimacy and discover common values and approaches to life. Along the way, they become clearer about what they want.
The man and woman decide that they are not on the same page in terms of where their relationship is heading. As they disband, each can enjoy pursuing what they want. The problem is that they still really like each other. They still want to stay connected with others.
We were sending, talking and talking text messages, less often, but still consistent for almost three weeks. I went to dinner with my ex-boyfriend to stay connected. To be exact, 20 days after the dissolution.
make out. We talked. We laughed. We were cruelly honest about how difficult it would be to sit across a table and act if we weren’t boyfriends or girlfriends.
We felt like we were lying to ourselves and each other. I felt something about it wasn’t real.
We decided to be genuine to each other as each of us softened around the edges and disappointed the guards about what this was “anticipated”. The desire increased. And it was like trying to brake a freight train. It was too fast to stop.
Returning to his apartment, we could not deny the strength of our desire for each other. We were immediately happy with how comfortable it was to be together. It’s very friendly and connected, but it’s off limits as it gets really hot. At that moment, I was very satisfied.
But in the aftermath? No, I wasn’t satisfied at all. I felt like I lost 20 days of traction by creating space in my life to enable the relationships I really wanted to be available.
Now I’m back with my feelings about what I really care about this guy, why this doesn’t work, and somehow, somehow, somehow. I really felt torn, and as I was experiencing the emotions that led to the collapse again. And I was very frustrated because I needed to know more.
When we were together, my ex was completely happy with the way our relationship was going. It was connected and very intimate, but still casual enough. I wanted more. I wanted to bet on the ground and grow something.
Given this, I knew I couldn’t expect him to be the one who cuts things off. Why is he? If I really wanted a bigger relationship I knew was possible (with someone who wanted to give it to me), I had to wear my big girl’s pants Probably.
I had to end my dependence on getting better. Now I had to stop indulging in things that made me feel better in order to pursue things that made me feel better later.
It’s like deciding that you want to take shape. You promise to get up early the next day to go for a run. But that day, you really decide that you want ice cream. So you indulge.
And the next morning will come. Your body feels heavy and hangover from sugar. The idea of running seems pretty disastrous, not to mention actually doing it.
Once you are in good physical condition, your attractiveness will begin to decline significantly. It is advisable to increase the amount of ice cream. Everything is revealed. Instead of having a body that works the way you really want, settle on ice cream.
However, overdose of ice cream is always out of date. The loud voice creeps up again, and the moment comes that bothers you. “Wouldn’t it be great if you got better? Can you climb the stairs without breathing out? How do you feel when you wake up in the morning without hurt your back?”
At some point, you need to decide which is more important to you. Whether you feel better at that moment or in the long run. Some people postpone satisfaction and seek more discipline in order to pursue greater things. The other is that I feel really good now, but later I feel so sick.
Admitting the big things we want is sometimes painful. It hurts because I really don’t know if it exists or if I can get it. It’s defenseless to wonder if you’re spending your energy on something that might never happen.
In addition to that, add the question, “Did I miss something really great because I was so obsessed with my terms?” And it’s strange that I’m completely calm but not paralyzed.
But in my world, solving is not an option. The loud voice is really loud, and it doesn’t make me forget it or throw it away in favor of something that is easier to access (not long anyway). This is really inconvenient, but I think it’s an inspirational gift.
As soon as the car was pulled on the driveway, I called. “We need to stay out of touch for the next two weeks. Maybe more. I’ll let you know. I hate this being so difficult, but we know we’ll find the right way for both of us.”
It’s time to reduce addiction. I know the withdrawal will suck for a while. But the coming days will be even better. The day it’s out of my system and instead of chasing the next fix, I can definitely go back to what I know.