“I refuse to inherit the dysfunction. Let’s learn a new way of life instead of repeating what you have lived.” ~ Thema Davis
Adult stability is an unfamiliar area for those who have experienced chaotic childhood.
Screams are commonplace, all unstable relationships are observed, and mood is difficult to relax when grown up in an environment determined by others in the family.
As an adult dealing with the long-term effects of childhood instability and chaos, I now jump with a slight noise.
And when I say that all I’ve experienced is instability, I know I’m not alone.
I remember a recent time when my co-resident jokingly asked. “What’s wrong? I live with you!” I was surprised again when she came out of the bedroom.
Stability, peace, and tranquility are all unfamiliar to me.
Stability is really unstable when chaos is really everything you know and when you are familiar with everything.
Stability can be very disturbing to me, so for example, thinking too much about things being “calm” and feeling anxious can unknowingly interfere with their existence.
If everything seems to be going well, you unknowingly try to cause some problems in your life.
Perhaps my friend will send me a text message that looks less friendly than usual, but we’ve been intimately dating for months. I might choose to cause them a problem and raise it just because things are stable.
My mind is an expert in creating problems that don’t really exist.
The fight against stability is the most common in my relationship. Of course, I did the necessary work (treatment and beyond). I know this is mainly due to complex trauma and my chaotic attachment style, but it doesn’t make things easier.
In fact, knowing everything can make it even more difficult, as everything seems so complex and difficult to overcome.
Why stability is an unpleasant experience
My therapist said that as an adult, they often recreate the dynamics of the family they experienced as a child. For me this is very true.
I entered a relationship where I had to fight to be loved and accepted. I have also recreated the cycle of abuse many times by accepting and tolerating emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
I noticed this only about a year ago. As you can imagine, it was a pretty epiphany moment.
For me, it takes a lot of courage to move away from drama-filled relationships and look for stability instead.
Stability often feels boring because it is wired to anticipate instability and confusion when the background is disturbed. In many cases this applies to me.
Without drama, screaming, and familiar abuse, many adults have a hard time functioning. Simply put, stability threatens their identity and relationships because they do not know how to behave or feel when instability is removed.
I’m learning how to grow stably and comfortably
It’s a solid process for many of us, but it’s not an impossible process. Or at least that’s what I remind myself of.
From time to time, I find myself completely confused about being accustomed to instability rather than stability. But I know that our brain is powerful enough to be trained and that as humans we can always learn new ways.
Once we realize that we have gained greater self-awareness and do not need to engage in abusive or chaotic relationships, we are ready to accept stability.
It takes a lot of internal work to understand why we often choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or abusive. Certainly, there is something like love addiction. It involves looking for an abusive relationship to become a “savior” or “savior.”
One book I found to be very insightful and useful in exploring the concept of love addiction Woman who loves too much, By Robin Norwood. Written for people like me who find themselves repeating toxic patterns in relationships, this book includes women who deliberately enter into unhealthy relationships to face confusion and abuse. It reminds me of various case studies.
Interestingly, the author also explores why women do this and how they recreate familiar experiences since childhood, confirming their low self-esteem. Again, something I can relate to.
Why self-love is the key to healing
As we begin to love ourselves and begin the task of knowing ourselves, we begin to recover and heal. In order to accept and attract stability in your life, it must first come from the inside.
For me, I haven’t completely healed yet and I’m trying to disrupt stability in various ways. But I’m much healthier and more satisfied than ever before. It all comes from revisiting and facing my childhood to understand who I am, what shapes my life, and the trends in my relationships.
You are in a better position to create a brighter future when you constantly love yourself and work to understand how your past shaped you.
I am finally beginning to accept the love I give myself and the love of others. I’m still driven by the urge to disturb and get bored without a drama, but I can see and understand when I enter such a state.
For me, this means that I can better prevent sabotage, give love to myself, and accept the stability I deserve.